The Unseen Weight: When the “Less-Favoured” Child Is Forced to Dim Their Light
Share
In many families especially within traditional or collectivist cultures, birth order often shapes the way children are treated, not just in terms of responsibility, but also in how they are allowed to grow, express themselves, and pursue what brings them joy.
There is an unspoken, deeply damaging expectation placed on the eldest child or any child who is not the “favourite” to step aside or even drop a skill they’ve acquired so that a younger sibling can take it up instead. What’s worse is when this is enforced through emotional manipulation, passive-aggressive bullying, or guilt from a parental figure who frames it as a noble sacrifice or family duty.
But this is not noble. This is a theft of identity.
The Silent Psychological Damage
Being forced to suppress your abilities, dreams, or joy so that someone else (often the younger sibling) can thrive in that space leaves long-term psychological effects especially when this happens repeatedly and goes unchecked. The older child may begin to internalise the lie that their worth only comes from making room for others, that they must dim their light to preserve the comfort of those around them.
This isn’t humility. It’s emotional suppression masked as servanthood.
Worse still, some parents disguise this bullying as “fairness” or “sharing.” But fairness is not the same as erasure. Sharing is not the same as self-abandonment.
The Skewed Expectation
This expectation is deeply skewed and often born out of a parental desire to keep peace or maintain power dynamics within the family. The child who is considered “stronger,” “more mature,” or simply “less favourite” is often used as the emotional mule of the family. Their talents become dispensable tools, sacrificed on the altar of the younger child’s ego or emotional fragility.
This is deeply harmful and spiritually misaligned. God did not give each person gifts and passions only to have them silenced by others’ insecurities. Romans 11:29 says, “For God’s gifts and his call can never be withdrawn.”
Every Child Deserves a Voice
No child regardless of birth order or age should be told to stop doing what brings them joy, confidence, or a sense of purpose just so a sibling can take their place. That’s not family; that’s favouritism disguised as discipline.
Every human being has a God-given right to explore their purpose, and no parent has the spiritual authority to shut that down out of fear, control, or misdirected loyalty.
And for those who’ve been in this position — the adult who was once the child forced to step aside, you may still be carrying the residue of that manipulation. You might hesitate to use your voice, or struggle to fully embrace your gifts because somewhere inside, you were taught that your excellence is a threat. That your existence should be quiet, small, or invisible for the sake of others.
Let me say this clearly: You were not made to shrink.
What Needs to Change
This cycle must end. Parents must stop using one child’s strength to compensate for their own fear of family imbalance. Children, all children must be allowed the space to try, fail, grow, and succeed without being compared or displaced. Everyone can do the same thing or different without manipulation, defamation of character and collective bullying.
Families must nurture individuality, not destroy it in the name of order.
And for the adults who survived such upbringings, know this: It is not your job to remain stuck in the role your family assigned to you. You are not selfish for reclaiming your gifts. You are not rebellious for pursuing joy. You are not dishonouring your parents when you walk boldly in the identity God gave you.
Be like a child as it is written but remain guarded in your heart not to allow the tactics bring you down for everything you do flows from your heart which is to be devoted to doing good.
Final Words
Your story matters. Your skills matter. And no, you do not have to sacrifice your light so others can find theirs.
Shine anyway.